August 20, 1999 1:27 am

Woohoo! I'm back, and with a nice fast ethernet connection from my room! :-) I get to do updates on my page again! Stay tuned. It's late and I really need to go to bed now, but I'm back! And boy do I have lots to talk about! :-)

August 20, 1999 10:36 pm

Hmmmmm.... I can't believe I stayed up so late last night. I must not do that tonight. So this will be a short entry, to satisfy my own longing to return to my wonderful habit of spilling my guts on-line :-)

I made a decision recently, like very recently, one that will have profound effects on the coming year, I do believe. One that is not easily described, but in a moment of clarity, which had to have been God-given, I realized some important things. Very important things.

It's the eternal struggle between the heart and the head. So many times, we make decisions based on emotions or what our "heart" feels when we also know in our head what is the right/wise thing to do. Sometimes they line up, sometimes they don't. When they don't, that struggle can go either way. Sometimes the heart wins, and sometimes the head wins. I let my heart win before, and got myself in trouble, trouble that I am still suffering the consequences from even now. I refuse to let my heart lead me that way again. So my head has decided to make some very conscious decisions, and act on them.

But SHOOT! The heart wants so much to have its way. It wants to justify the opposite of the head's decision, saying it's not as bad as the head says it is, saying things won't always stay the same. But the head knows that that's not the case. The signs are there, in the words and attitudes. There is no denying that the situation is not ideal. Far from it. There are many good and right things, but some key components are not there. Key foundational components. And because those are not there now, things cannot continue. The building cannot be built safely and properly. It would be very dangerous and most assuredly disastrous if the building continued.

I wonder about myself sometimes. Am I really staying true to my God? Or am I constantly being distracted? It seems to me that the latter is more true than the former.

And tomorrow is the MCAT. I cannot be distracted. The decision is made, the die is cast. The Lord has my word, and I will keep it.

More than just thoughts tonight.

August 22, 1999 12:33 am

What a day it has been! The MCAT has come and gone, and I am relatively pleased. I didn't run out of time on any section, and actually finished each with a little time to spare. I do believe it was a decent testing experience. I have nothing to complain about. Except for the fact that I had to take this test in the first place. But that's ok, I suppose.

We, the advisors of Sid, then went out paintballing...... ahhhhhhh..... I have battle trophies. :-) Someone even drew blood. :-) The weather was a bit harsh for long pants and two layers of clothing, but that's ok. :-) It was only a t-shirt and scrubs. It was a definite stress reliever after the test. It did sting a bit to be nailed at close range.

The freshmen arrive tomorrow!!! Woohoo!! :-) They are going to have a great week, I think. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, though. they move in, and we do our scavenger hunt tomorrow night. Crazy. Oh well. I look forward to doing O-week again. Although I think this will probably be it for me. Next year, I think I'll just want to do what everyone else does, and just move in the weekend before school.

Hmmmmmm. I thought some more about yesterday's entry, mainly because the subject of the thoughts above was in close proximity for most of the day. I sometimes think I fool myself into thinking that I'm trusting God when I'm really not. I say it enough to myself that I fake even myself out into believing that I'm trusting God in this area of my life.

Just thoughts.

August 23, 1999 9:43 pm

It's only Monday and I am pooped. Seriously tired. My throat is toast. Man, advising is fun, but it is extremely tiring. Amazingly so.

Right now, the big thing on my mind is the O-week prayer and praise thing tomorrow morning. It should be pretty cool. Colby, Danny and I got together to practice some this morning. I really hope the frosh feel welcome and stuff. I'm going to spend some serious time with God tonight. Praying. Seeking His face and His will for me this summer. I really don't know what I will be doing, ministry-wise. I have many opportunities, but I'm not sure what to do exactly.

I'm amazed at my freshman group, along with my sister group. There must be four or five Christians there. Andrew and Catherine, Michelle.... I'm pretty sure I'll see them tomorrow, if they can get up. I hope Shannon comes, too. I don't know about Christian guys other than Andrew though.

One thought about O-week stuff though.... Tonight is the Wiess party out in the Acabowl, and I wonder sometimes about these parties. Like, I don't know what the point is. It seems like it's big place for hooking-up. On monday of o-week. Wild. And in Rice terms, "hooking up" isn't just getting together to meet someone... it's a tad more involved, if you know what I mean. I don't know. I mean, sometimes, it's funny to joke about the "Meet/Meat" sheet and all, but when people seriously act/live like that, it's extremely sad and disturbing. It makes me sad, and wonder what are they missing in their life that they act that way. I mean, it's one thing to go to a party like that and go and dance, have fun, hang out with friends and all that, but sometimes, I wonder about people. My peers. I don't know.

Now I need go see if I can find Keith.

Just thoughts.

August 27, 1999 11:15 pm

O-week is over. Wow. The week flew by, although I must say it's been tiring. I also sit here, and think about the many things that have happened. The words said. The thoughts thought. The purity scores.

I don't know. It's always rather interesting to see the freshmen "get together" during O-week, only to have the upperclassmen swoop down and "steal" all the frosh girls. Hmmmmmmm. It's very interesting..... O-week relationship dynamics....

Scotty's back! Ricky, Scotty and I went out to dinner tonight. It's good to see Scotty back. He also got a truck. It's a nice one... VERY nice. And VERY big. It's a very cool truck. I like it.

Jacob moves in tomorrow. I am so very much looking foward to this year.

It's late, and I want to type more, but I think I need my sleep right now.

Just thoughts.

August 29, 1999 8:37 am

Yucky. I'm feeling very tired still, a little under the weather. :-( Not a good way to start out school... I need to sleep more.

I had a talk last night, and that's the heart/head decision I was talking above earlier. I haven't been guarding my heart nearly as well as I tried to tell myself that I was, and so I had to make it clear that the relationship couldn't progress.

It's very hard. The tension is still there. My heart wants to pursue it. I liked it, but there were other things that prevent me from doing so, one being my promise to God. And that one is a biggie. I wonder what I'm doing sometimes, with all this relationship stuff.... I don't know what I'm doing at all. I guess I just need to find a way to keep myself very busy this year. I think I'll have the stuff to be able to do it.

There was a Crusade leaders' meeting last night, and it was pretty cool.... I volunteered to lead the Crusade freshman study for men here at Sid. It's not set in stone, but I think I will do it. I don't know if I'll try to find a co-leader or not though. It was hard to do the co-leading thing this summer. We'll see. I need to find me a partner though. Ryan and I had talked a little about it this summer. time to pray, and pray hard.

I think I'm going to make it a point to pray extra hard for the frosh. Starting now.

Just thoughts.

August 30, 1999 7:19 pm

Hmmmmmmmmm. I have things to say, but I don't know how to articulate it. I guess it's bound to happen with every freshman class, but it doesn't make it anymore bearable. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about. Joe or Judy Christian shows up on campus as a freshman, wide-eyed and amazed at all the things that are of college. Then they make some friends, begin to enjoy themselves. Then someone starts to show some interest in them. Maybe from the get-go, maybe after a little bit. Either way, Joe/Judy doesn't think much of it, since they think they can handle things, and that it's not a big deal. Besides, they're not a Christian, and they think they're ok, since they'd never marry the person. But then their resolve falters. The person is SUCH a nice person, and they're not all that bad.... and then WHAM! They're taken with the other person before they know it. Then, it begins to affect their walk with God. Then, they're nothing more than a Christian by name.

Maybe it doesn't happen exactly like that, but you get the idea. I've already seen it happen to one of my friends, in my class. And it looks like it's about to happen to someone else in this year's freshman class. Hmmmmmmmmmm. It's not really my business, but it hurts to see people make unwise decisions like that. The thing is, in the present situation, I know Judy Christian's older sister, and she says that her little sister is fine, and can take care of herself. Maybe I'm just weaker than everyone else, but it seems to me that unless you're actively guarding your heart, you're not doing it at all.

I'm not trying to be judgmental, and I'm really trying not to sound that way. But it really does pain me to see people make mistakes like those, I guess because I've made similar mistakes. Not exactly, but close enough that I know what consequences there are, and how much they affect an individual.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I just worry too much about how others act. But I really think that my concern stems from a genuine caring about the spiritual well-being of my brothers and sisters. And in this case, I've seen an example, first-hand, of how a relationship like one described above can totally derail a person's relationship wtih God. And I hate it when anyone's walk with God is hampered like that.

I guess in the bigger context of relationships, I'm not exactly one to talk... I can't say that I've had a great time in that area. Although I think I'm getting better at dealing/working that part of my life out. I guess it all comes down to seeking God first. Then the rest sorts itself out. When you try to make decision about the other stuff without doing that, the decisions are A LOT more difficult.

It always seems to come back to seeking God first. Make Him your first priority, and the rest of the decisions, while they may be hard to actually follow through on, are usually pretty clear. God makes things clearer when you honestly humble yourself before Him. I know that when I remember that it's all God and not me, things become better, if only because I remind myself that I am in good hands. The best hands. Psalm 37:4 all over again.

Making sure your relationship with God is right really does make everything else simpler. At least to me, it does. Of course, that is infinitely easier said than done. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Looking back at my conversation a couple days ago, I'm feeling better about it, but not totally great still. I guess that's understandable. It's hard though. It's hard. Really hard. I also must apologize for any feelings I've hurt. I really didn't mean to. It was much more of a thing on my end. I felt I needed to keep my word, and to be true to my promise, especially since I made it to God.

I need to remind myself of keeping my focus constantly.....

I'm really excited about getting my guitar. I hope to get it very soon, like maybe tomorrow. :-) We also finally got the couch up here. It looks pretty good, smells fine, and in general, I'm pretty happy with it. I sure don't have anything to complain about.

Next, the fridges come in :-) and I set up the microwave. Then the stereo, and then I think things are basically set. I have to fiddle around some with my files some, but that's about it.... :-) I'm happy that the room is coming together so well. I also have to take some measurements and figure out where the table is going to go.

Just thoughts.